I should say

I'm not as depressed as I was before. Maybe I'm not depressed at all.

Keeping busy does wonders for the mind, in a way.

:)

Oh Lord...

There have been many times lately where I've just wanted to kill myself. The thoughts just keep pouring into my head. I keep saying no, no, no! This is such a huge battle for me, and I'm tired of it. I do love life, and I'm curious for what's coming next, but at the same time, I terribly hate life.

I just want to live a happy life, but certain circumstances and situations in my life, prevent me from being happy. Or rather, I don't see why I should be happy. There are times when I do though.

Lately, I've just loved life, and I sincerely have, but the thoughts are still there! Haunting me at every moment. At times, I don't even trust myself driving, fearing that I may drive my car off the road. I don't know what's wrong. Its strange, and this is embarrassing to talk about, especially since most people's reactions is to say that I need to go to a psychiatrist and get medicated. That is not what I want to do. Meds seem to do more damage than good... I may end up dead quicker.

I don't know.

Random thoughts.

SCHOOL!

School starts tomorrow morning for me, promptly at Eight in the morning!

I am excited! I am so excited (Though I'm sure I'll be hating it halfway through, or maybe even a week into it...)!!

I am worried about my work load, but I'm sure I can handle it. I'm excited about being preoccupied all day, every day. It is going to be intense, but I'm usually pretty happy when I have things going on.

My first class of THE LAST SEMESTER IN UNDERGRADUATE STUDIES is the Senior Exhibit course. I am excited for this class because it is the beginning of the end! Without this class I can not graduate. It will be a fairly difficult course, but nothing too big.

Second class is Topics in Art History: History of Photography. Yes, that is correct! HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY! What more could I ask for?? It is what I've always wanted to study in art history, but it is the one thing that is rarely talked about. I am very sad that Keitz will no longer teach the art history courses, but I can not deny that I am excited about this new professor.

Third class, is Advanced Painting with Gomez. -__- I'm not sure how I'll feel about this class yet, but I hope I make it.

Fourth class, starting on Tuesday, at 9.25 AM, is Arabic. Yes, I know I already have my foreign language requirements, but I need to fix an F I had. You see, I took Arabic some time ago as my first choice for foreign language, and I failed; I didn't fail because I didn't understand, but because I was lazy. I didn't drop the course, and I failed. I don't quite know how I feel about this class yet. I was reading over the syllabus and he expects us to already KNOW, or be familiar with, the alphabet... THE ARABIC ALPHABET! The Arabic alphabet is horrendous! I don't even have the book yet! I don't have money for the book since flippin' financial aid hasn't even sent me my award letter yet! CURSE YOU UTB FINANCIAL AID DEPARTMENT! CURSE YOU!

Fifth class is Studio Art General with Professor Sclight, and this is the course I am most excited for, after Art History, oh, and Senior Exhibit. I have been wanting to take this class for some time now, but due to schedule conflicts, I could not take it. It will be ceramic work, and I've been wanting to make some more crazy teapots and cookie jars for sometime, experimenting with the application of photography on the glaze as a permanent part of the piece. I AM EXCITED!!

The last and sixth class is Studio Art General with Professor Gomez! D: D: D: D: D: I am nervous about this one, especially since I don't quite know what I'm going to do yet. I've been considering experimenting with painting on photographs. And also, wanting to do photographs of nursery rhymes, fables, fairty tales, and biblical stories that strike my fancy. And then putting together an artist book, created by hand. So that is something I should talk to Gomez about I suppose. I wonder if he'll grant me permission to do this in his class. I guess we'll see.

LET'S HOPE I GRADUATE!

Oh dreams

I had a horrible dream the other day. I was napping in the evening. I had been very tired from working on the prints for my exhibition. I hadn't slept much the night before so I felt like taking a nap.

I don't know if it is just me, but naps can be very confusing when you wake up, especially as the sun is setting. I woke up in a daze, absolutely confused. I had been dreaming, and was reflecting back on my dream... actually I thought my dream was real.

My dream: I don't remember much, other than it was my brothers and I, and my dad. We were going on a trip together.

It wasn't an intense, or overly-symbolic dream, but I wish it was real. I still wish it was real.

I wish I had both my brothers with me.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone about how much it still bothers me. I don't want to burden anyone, but I wish there was someone to talk to, or at least someone to hold me and say it's ok, or say nothing at all.

You're Everyone Else...

I'm completely in love with mewithoutYou as a band. Seriously. Their music just brings about such great emotional feeling. I don't know what emotion, but its great. Its a mixture between peace, love, nostalgia, excitement and addiction.

I am really glad I got to see them 4 times this summer. It was a great road trip. Completely worth the hours of driving and wrong turns.

I don't know why I'm blogging right now. I think I just wanted to write that.

Oh, and also, FUCK YOU HORMONES!

That is all.

Fat.

I'm fat. And I've had to live with it since I first started to gain weight in elementary. There is so much baggage that comes along with it, be it emotionally, physically or mentally. Unless you've ever been obese or overweight (And I am not talking like "OH MY GOD I'VE GAINED TWO POUNDS AND NOW I NEED TO STARVE MYSELF TO LOSE IT! GROSS! EW! YUCK!"), you know exactly what I mean.

I think I've seen a lot of what I deal with in my fellow obese friends. We battle with depression and self-esteem, with thoughts of rejection and dealing with criticisms, put downs, and ridicule. We deal with having to walk around with our obesity, with our extra pounds, and constantly fear the thoughts that may or may not be there, the stare downs, the snickering and pointing. I hate walking through malls or other locations packed with average-weighed people. I hate looking around and fearing that they are laughing at me for being fat, that they are singling me out because its not so hard.

I go down memory lane and deal with the ridicule that has been shoved into my face. I have had to deal with the rejection that comes with being fat. I've liked a few men intensely, but it never goes anywhere because I'm just a mess physically, emotionally and mentally. And its always the same stuff that comes out of their mouth ("Oh I feel bad that I don't like her...").

Being fat, being obese, being overweight, however you want to put it, sucks. And its terribly hard to lose weight. I wish it could happen magically, but it doesn't. I was in swimming for three years in high school and I was still fat! The fat just wouldn't come out. And it wasn't like I was eating out back then since I was a ridiculously poor kid with a measly 10 dollar allowance, and I wasn't going to spend that on fast food.

Earlier this week someone wrote that obesity bothered them. Well, its a good thing that person doesn't have to deal with obesity. I wish I didn't have to, but I do, and all that comes with it, including attempting to lose it.

Being fat sucks.

Feelings.

I like you. I like you a lot. And I wish I didn't.

I find myself thinking of you a lot more since I last saw you.

I avoided the room you were in today... just went in and out. I heard you laughing and talking, but I just did not want to go there.

I like you. I like you a lot. I wish you liked me a lot, too.

I want to say we were meant for each other, but I suppose we aren't.