What is this? Where am I going?

I'm in a sentimental mood. I don't even know if sentimental is the right word. I'm just feeling tenderhearted, effusive... possibly lovesick?

I'm coming to a point where this six-year crush is getting on my last nerve. He confuses the hell out of me, and he no longer deserves the feelings I have given him. No more, please. I'm angry at this situation. You've been home a year, and we've hung out maybe twice. I understand you don't like me like that, but you've made me feel like my friendship is unimportant; there is always someone better to hang out with. And I'm tired of this. I'm so tired.

I want to go through a time where I am not enamored with a silly boy. Its my downfall. I just want to be free for a time. I'd like to reserve my heart for someone who is worth it, rather than some silly man.

I do desire someone, but right now is simply not the right time for me. I'm emotionally fucked up. My heart needs major repairs, and I just want to be healed. And its not just that, there are so many things I want to do with my life before I think of settling down.

There is ministry school. There is grad school. I may even want to be a missionary at some point.

I'd like to fall in love. And maybe I'm just living in a fantasy world believing that the man for me will have eyes only for me. I don't know how to describe what I think, but it may just be a silly girl's fantasy.

I'm not pretty; I'm not thin; I'm awkward; I'm dull.

Its just a silly girl's fantasy.

Celibacy for life... sure.