There have been many times lately where I've just wanted to kill myself. The thoughts just keep pouring into my head. I keep saying no, no, no! This is such a huge battle for me, and I'm tired of it. I do love life, and I'm curious for what's coming next, but at the same time, I terribly hate life.
I just want to live a happy life, but certain circumstances and situations in my life, prevent me from being happy. Or rather, I don't see why I should be happy. There are times when I do though.
Lately, I've just loved life, and I sincerely have, but the thoughts are still there! Haunting me at every moment. At times, I don't even trust myself driving, fearing that I may drive my car off the road. I don't know what's wrong. Its strange, and this is embarrassing to talk about, especially since most people's reactions is to say that I need to go to a psychiatrist and get medicated. That is not what I want to do. Meds seem to do more damage than good... I may end up dead quicker.
I don't know.
Random thoughts.
8.31.2009
8.23.2009
SCHOOL!
School starts tomorrow morning for me, promptly at Eight in the morning!
I am excited! I am so excited (Though I'm sure I'll be hating it halfway through, or maybe even a week into it...)!!
I am worried about my work load, but I'm sure I can handle it. I'm excited about being preoccupied all day, every day. It is going to be intense, but I'm usually pretty happy when I have things going on.
My first class of THE LAST SEMESTER IN UNDERGRADUATE STUDIES is the Senior Exhibit course. I am excited for this class because it is the beginning of the end! Without this class I can not graduate. It will be a fairly difficult course, but nothing too big.
Second class is Topics in Art History: History of Photography. Yes, that is correct! HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY! What more could I ask for?? It is what I've always wanted to study in art history, but it is the one thing that is rarely talked about. I am very sad that Keitz will no longer teach the art history courses, but I can not deny that I am excited about this new professor.
Third class, is Advanced Painting with Gomez. -__- I'm not sure how I'll feel about this class yet, but I hope I make it.
Fourth class, starting on Tuesday, at 9.25 AM, is Arabic. Yes, I know I already have my foreign language requirements, but I need to fix an F I had. You see, I took Arabic some time ago as my first choice for foreign language, and I failed; I didn't fail because I didn't understand, but because I was lazy. I didn't drop the course, and I failed. I don't quite know how I feel about this class yet. I was reading over the syllabus and he expects us to already KNOW, or be familiar with, the alphabet... THE ARABIC ALPHABET! The Arabic alphabet is horrendous! I don't even have the book yet! I don't have money for the book since flippin' financial aid hasn't even sent me my award letter yet! CURSE YOU UTB FINANCIAL AID DEPARTMENT! CURSE YOU!
Fifth class is Studio Art General with Professor Sclight, and this is the course I am most excited for, after Art History, oh, and Senior Exhibit. I have been wanting to take this class for some time now, but due to schedule conflicts, I could not take it. It will be ceramic work, and I've been wanting to make some more crazy teapots and cookie jars for sometime, experimenting with the application of photography on the glaze as a permanent part of the piece. I AM EXCITED!!
The last and sixth class is Studio Art General with Professor Gomez! D: D: D: D: D: I am nervous about this one, especially since I don't quite know what I'm going to do yet. I've been considering experimenting with painting on photographs. And also, wanting to do photographs of nursery rhymes, fables, fairty tales, and biblical stories that strike my fancy. And then putting together an artist book, created by hand. So that is something I should talk to Gomez about I suppose. I wonder if he'll grant me permission to do this in his class. I guess we'll see.
LET'S HOPE I GRADUATE!
I am excited! I am so excited (Though I'm sure I'll be hating it halfway through, or maybe even a week into it...)!!
I am worried about my work load, but I'm sure I can handle it. I'm excited about being preoccupied all day, every day. It is going to be intense, but I'm usually pretty happy when I have things going on.
My first class of THE LAST SEMESTER IN UNDERGRADUATE STUDIES is the Senior Exhibit course. I am excited for this class because it is the beginning of the end! Without this class I can not graduate. It will be a fairly difficult course, but nothing too big.
Second class is Topics in Art History: History of Photography. Yes, that is correct! HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY! What more could I ask for?? It is what I've always wanted to study in art history, but it is the one thing that is rarely talked about. I am very sad that Keitz will no longer teach the art history courses, but I can not deny that I am excited about this new professor.
Third class, is Advanced Painting with Gomez. -__- I'm not sure how I'll feel about this class yet, but I hope I make it.
Fourth class, starting on Tuesday, at 9.25 AM, is Arabic. Yes, I know I already have my foreign language requirements, but I need to fix an F I had. You see, I took Arabic some time ago as my first choice for foreign language, and I failed; I didn't fail because I didn't understand, but because I was lazy. I didn't drop the course, and I failed. I don't quite know how I feel about this class yet. I was reading over the syllabus and he expects us to already KNOW, or be familiar with, the alphabet... THE ARABIC ALPHABET! The Arabic alphabet is horrendous! I don't even have the book yet! I don't have money for the book since flippin' financial aid hasn't even sent me my award letter yet! CURSE YOU UTB FINANCIAL AID DEPARTMENT! CURSE YOU!
Fifth class is Studio Art General with Professor Sclight, and this is the course I am most excited for, after Art History, oh, and Senior Exhibit. I have been wanting to take this class for some time now, but due to schedule conflicts, I could not take it. It will be ceramic work, and I've been wanting to make some more crazy teapots and cookie jars for sometime, experimenting with the application of photography on the glaze as a permanent part of the piece. I AM EXCITED!!
The last and sixth class is Studio Art General with Professor Gomez! D: D: D: D: D: I am nervous about this one, especially since I don't quite know what I'm going to do yet. I've been considering experimenting with painting on photographs. And also, wanting to do photographs of nursery rhymes, fables, fairty tales, and biblical stories that strike my fancy. And then putting together an artist book, created by hand. So that is something I should talk to Gomez about I suppose. I wonder if he'll grant me permission to do this in his class. I guess we'll see.
LET'S HOPE I GRADUATE!
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