Rejection

I feel it, all around, from nearly everyone.

I just want to spend time with my friends.

This is hard. My life is hard. And I just want to give up.

I feel like everyone is rejecting me, though, most likely, they aren't doing it purposefully. It hurts.

This root is deep. Going back years, years of torment.

I don't understand.

I always try to remember a line from a song... "There's a whisper in my ear, the voice of loneliness and fear, and I say 'Devil, disapper!'"

But it's hard to quiet this voice; especially, when it sounds like the truth.

Mystery Google

www.mysterygoogle.com

Mystery Google challenged me:

today, i challenge you to tell the truth, tell the person you like you like them, and go for something you normally wouldn\'t. type accept into mystery google if you\'ll do the mission, thanks and goodluck:]

We'll see if I accept this challenge.


Edit:
I did another search, and got the same challenge again.

Fuck.

I am feeling dejected, rejected, used, and forgotten.

Fuck life.

Convo of the week, II

I think I've had a few good ones this week so far, but I think this one will top them all.

I know she won't mind me using her name. Anna is telling me about some guy she used to talk to in high school and how gorgeous he was and what not. I asked her to show me his picture so I could gauge his hotness.

Me: (4:16:57 PM): show me
Anna(4:17:07 PM): I don't have a single picture of him!
Anna(4:17:11 PM): Besides the nude ones
Anna(4:17:13 PM): Hahaha
Me:(4:17:20 PM): haha
Me:(4:17:23 PM): block out the bottom
Me:(4:17:25 PM): or
Me:(4:17:26 PM): you know
Me: (4:17:27 PM): crop
Anna(4:17:32 PM): lololol
Anna(4:17:45 PM): He doesn't look very good in the pictures
Anna(4:17:58 PM): It's funny because there's like three or four before the schlong
Anna(4:18:12 PM): And he's fully clothed
Anna(4:18:14 PM): Then in his boxers
Anna(4:18:17 PM): Then bam
Me: (4:18:16 PM): haha
Anna(4:18:17 PM): PENIS
Me: (4:18:18 PM): HAHA
Me: (4:18:19 PM): wow
Me:(4:18:22 PM): molested
Me:(4:18:26 PM): visually molested
Anna(4:18:29 PM): Oh baby, I do not mind
Anna(4:18:31 PM): D:
Me: (4:20:01 PM): D:

Sylvia is pretty awesome...

Sylvia

so dod you eat anywhere yummy?

Adriana

not really

haha

jimmy john's!!! <3

i had sushi with adrian tonight

but it was mediocre

but kinda awesome 'cuz they had it on a sushi train!

Sylvia

dude i went to the best sandwich shop today!

Adriana

where??

Sylvia

its off of 802. they put all of these super yummy vegetables and the sandwich was all warm and toasty :)

plus they have cookies too!!!

Adriana

off of 802?

what is it called?

Sylvia

maybe you haven't heard of it

subway?

HAHAHAHAHA

Adriana

....

-____-

Conversation of the week.

I think I should start posting conversations of the week. I'll keep it anonymous just because I don't know what she'd say if I posted her name.

First one.

Me:

they were making jokes about balls

getting stuck in something or idk what

it was just awkward

Anonymous:

ewww

balls are so nasty

Me:

haha

BOLLOCKS!

Anonymous:

i'm glad i dont have any :D

Me:

me too :D

i have mammary glands

and they're prettier to look at that than wrinkly, hairy balls.

Anonymous:

i have mammary glands too

but they're little D:

hahahahahaha

Me:

HAHAHA

I guess still better than wrinkly, hairy balls.

Anonymous:

yes, def still prettier ;)

Hello

What is it that I want in you? Despite physical appearances, which won't matter much in a few decades anyway, what is it that I want in you?

I want you to love music. I want you to love films, especially comedy films, zombie films, zombie comedy films, and campy films.
I want you to be funny and witty. I want you to make me laugh.
I want you to be intelligent and clever. You don't have to be a scientist.
I want you to love to read, and read silly books with me, like Roald Dahl books.
I want to be able to have great conversations with you about anything and everything, great or small, significant or not.
I want you to love board games and silly fun. I want you to not need booze to have a good time.
I want you to kiss me on the cheek and on the forehead when we're together. To kiss my hand, and play with my fingers.
I want you to love God and to do the things He does, listen to what He says, and speak what He says.

When we meet, I'll know you were worth waiting for these many years. And I'll thank God that there was no one else in my life to take anything from you. I love you already, and I don't know you.

L-O ... V-E

I want to fall in love with You. I want my heart to beat fast when I think about you, and I want the butterflies to fill my stomach when I spend time with you. The way I feel when I'm about to see him, I want to feel with You. I want to be head over heels for you and I want my mind to be completely set on You.

I want to do the things You've called me to do. Change my heart, change my mind. Set my heart on fire. Let my roots be planted deep by the streams of Your living water. I want to be Your burning one. Set this heart ablaze with your love, passion, grace, and glory.

Let this be my prayer, my song, my word until the end of time.

:(

I found out what she did to you, and my heart is broken for you. I don't know how you could forgive her and act like nothing ever happened. I love you friend, but you're pretty daft to so quickly forgive and forget. Maybe that is love, maybe it isn't. I don't know, but I just hope you're happy. I really do, and not in a malicious way. You deserve happiness because you're an amazing person and friend.

Just one of the guys.

I have come to realize that I am, and forever will be, just one of the guys. Its intensely and immensely depressing to know that is the only way men will see me. Men want girly girls, petite and pretty, of which I am not. My life is pathetic. My heart will always be broken. When will I learn? I'm hopeful to find the man who will see beyond this beastly appearance, and love me, but then again, my insides are just as beastly as my outward self. So what's the point? I'm tired of infatuations, but I can not stop myself.

My heart is broken.

I remember when I told Skylar I liked him years ago. He stated, matter-of-factly, that there was someone out there for me and I should believe that. I don't believe it. Then he went on told someone he felt bad for not reciprocating the feelings. Wonderful! I'm just a giant mass of pathetic nothing.

I am tired of this life that is mine. There is nothing good in it. There is nothing to be hopeful about. Why can't I just die?

Quarter-life Crisis?

I believe I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. I always seem to botch my life. I set myself up for failure. In this instance, I have not gone to my classes in a week. I've missed too many days, and I'm sure I won't be able to graduate in time, and its only been about 5 weeks of school. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Now, I just want to runaway. My friend has offered me a room in Houston, and I may just take it. I don't know when I'll finish school. But I don't think its in my foreseeable future as of now. I'm just not happy at school. I love the people, but I can't do it. I don't know why. I don't know if I'm just lazy, or if its depression, or a quarter-life crisis that is crippling me. I don't like where I'm at. Maybe I'm afraid to grow up. I don't know what it is.

What do I do now? I don't know if I'm going to school in the morning. I think I might write to my professors, or not. Maybe I just won't show up anymore. What can I tell them? I'm severely depressed and am in a manic depressive state..? Or, I hate Brownsville and don't want to come to school here.

I don't know. I'm not satisfied in life, and I'm sure that a college degree will not change that.

I fail at life.

Why aren't you here yet?

I want to build a life with you.

I want a cottage, with a garden in the back, where we will till the land and sow seeds that sustain us, that sustain our family.

I want children with you, I want wonderful children that are a part of me and part of you.

Where are you? Why aren't you here yet?

My heart

My heart is breaking all over again. It hurts. It hurts so much.

What is this? Where am I going?

I'm in a sentimental mood. I don't even know if sentimental is the right word. I'm just feeling tenderhearted, effusive... possibly lovesick?

I'm coming to a point where this six-year crush is getting on my last nerve. He confuses the hell out of me, and he no longer deserves the feelings I have given him. No more, please. I'm angry at this situation. You've been home a year, and we've hung out maybe twice. I understand you don't like me like that, but you've made me feel like my friendship is unimportant; there is always someone better to hang out with. And I'm tired of this. I'm so tired.

I want to go through a time where I am not enamored with a silly boy. Its my downfall. I just want to be free for a time. I'd like to reserve my heart for someone who is worth it, rather than some silly man.

I do desire someone, but right now is simply not the right time for me. I'm emotionally fucked up. My heart needs major repairs, and I just want to be healed. And its not just that, there are so many things I want to do with my life before I think of settling down.

There is ministry school. There is grad school. I may even want to be a missionary at some point.

I'd like to fall in love. And maybe I'm just living in a fantasy world believing that the man for me will have eyes only for me. I don't know how to describe what I think, but it may just be a silly girl's fantasy.

I'm not pretty; I'm not thin; I'm awkward; I'm dull.

Its just a silly girl's fantasy.

Celibacy for life... sure.

I should say

I'm not as depressed as I was before. Maybe I'm not depressed at all.

Keeping busy does wonders for the mind, in a way.

:)

Oh Lord...

There have been many times lately where I've just wanted to kill myself. The thoughts just keep pouring into my head. I keep saying no, no, no! This is such a huge battle for me, and I'm tired of it. I do love life, and I'm curious for what's coming next, but at the same time, I terribly hate life.

I just want to live a happy life, but certain circumstances and situations in my life, prevent me from being happy. Or rather, I don't see why I should be happy. There are times when I do though.

Lately, I've just loved life, and I sincerely have, but the thoughts are still there! Haunting me at every moment. At times, I don't even trust myself driving, fearing that I may drive my car off the road. I don't know what's wrong. Its strange, and this is embarrassing to talk about, especially since most people's reactions is to say that I need to go to a psychiatrist and get medicated. That is not what I want to do. Meds seem to do more damage than good... I may end up dead quicker.

I don't know.

Random thoughts.

SCHOOL!

School starts tomorrow morning for me, promptly at Eight in the morning!

I am excited! I am so excited (Though I'm sure I'll be hating it halfway through, or maybe even a week into it...)!!

I am worried about my work load, but I'm sure I can handle it. I'm excited about being preoccupied all day, every day. It is going to be intense, but I'm usually pretty happy when I have things going on.

My first class of THE LAST SEMESTER IN UNDERGRADUATE STUDIES is the Senior Exhibit course. I am excited for this class because it is the beginning of the end! Without this class I can not graduate. It will be a fairly difficult course, but nothing too big.

Second class is Topics in Art History: History of Photography. Yes, that is correct! HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY! What more could I ask for?? It is what I've always wanted to study in art history, but it is the one thing that is rarely talked about. I am very sad that Keitz will no longer teach the art history courses, but I can not deny that I am excited about this new professor.

Third class, is Advanced Painting with Gomez. -__- I'm not sure how I'll feel about this class yet, but I hope I make it.

Fourth class, starting on Tuesday, at 9.25 AM, is Arabic. Yes, I know I already have my foreign language requirements, but I need to fix an F I had. You see, I took Arabic some time ago as my first choice for foreign language, and I failed; I didn't fail because I didn't understand, but because I was lazy. I didn't drop the course, and I failed. I don't quite know how I feel about this class yet. I was reading over the syllabus and he expects us to already KNOW, or be familiar with, the alphabet... THE ARABIC ALPHABET! The Arabic alphabet is horrendous! I don't even have the book yet! I don't have money for the book since flippin' financial aid hasn't even sent me my award letter yet! CURSE YOU UTB FINANCIAL AID DEPARTMENT! CURSE YOU!

Fifth class is Studio Art General with Professor Sclight, and this is the course I am most excited for, after Art History, oh, and Senior Exhibit. I have been wanting to take this class for some time now, but due to schedule conflicts, I could not take it. It will be ceramic work, and I've been wanting to make some more crazy teapots and cookie jars for sometime, experimenting with the application of photography on the glaze as a permanent part of the piece. I AM EXCITED!!

The last and sixth class is Studio Art General with Professor Gomez! D: D: D: D: D: I am nervous about this one, especially since I don't quite know what I'm going to do yet. I've been considering experimenting with painting on photographs. And also, wanting to do photographs of nursery rhymes, fables, fairty tales, and biblical stories that strike my fancy. And then putting together an artist book, created by hand. So that is something I should talk to Gomez about I suppose. I wonder if he'll grant me permission to do this in his class. I guess we'll see.

LET'S HOPE I GRADUATE!

Oh dreams

I had a horrible dream the other day. I was napping in the evening. I had been very tired from working on the prints for my exhibition. I hadn't slept much the night before so I felt like taking a nap.

I don't know if it is just me, but naps can be very confusing when you wake up, especially as the sun is setting. I woke up in a daze, absolutely confused. I had been dreaming, and was reflecting back on my dream... actually I thought my dream was real.

My dream: I don't remember much, other than it was my brothers and I, and my dad. We were going on a trip together.

It wasn't an intense, or overly-symbolic dream, but I wish it was real. I still wish it was real.

I wish I had both my brothers with me.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone about how much it still bothers me. I don't want to burden anyone, but I wish there was someone to talk to, or at least someone to hold me and say it's ok, or say nothing at all.

You're Everyone Else...

I'm completely in love with mewithoutYou as a band. Seriously. Their music just brings about such great emotional feeling. I don't know what emotion, but its great. Its a mixture between peace, love, nostalgia, excitement and addiction.

I am really glad I got to see them 4 times this summer. It was a great road trip. Completely worth the hours of driving and wrong turns.

I don't know why I'm blogging right now. I think I just wanted to write that.

Oh, and also, FUCK YOU HORMONES!

That is all.

Fat.

I'm fat. And I've had to live with it since I first started to gain weight in elementary. There is so much baggage that comes along with it, be it emotionally, physically or mentally. Unless you've ever been obese or overweight (And I am not talking like "OH MY GOD I'VE GAINED TWO POUNDS AND NOW I NEED TO STARVE MYSELF TO LOSE IT! GROSS! EW! YUCK!"), you know exactly what I mean.

I think I've seen a lot of what I deal with in my fellow obese friends. We battle with depression and self-esteem, with thoughts of rejection and dealing with criticisms, put downs, and ridicule. We deal with having to walk around with our obesity, with our extra pounds, and constantly fear the thoughts that may or may not be there, the stare downs, the snickering and pointing. I hate walking through malls or other locations packed with average-weighed people. I hate looking around and fearing that they are laughing at me for being fat, that they are singling me out because its not so hard.

I go down memory lane and deal with the ridicule that has been shoved into my face. I have had to deal with the rejection that comes with being fat. I've liked a few men intensely, but it never goes anywhere because I'm just a mess physically, emotionally and mentally. And its always the same stuff that comes out of their mouth ("Oh I feel bad that I don't like her...").

Being fat, being obese, being overweight, however you want to put it, sucks. And its terribly hard to lose weight. I wish it could happen magically, but it doesn't. I was in swimming for three years in high school and I was still fat! The fat just wouldn't come out. And it wasn't like I was eating out back then since I was a ridiculously poor kid with a measly 10 dollar allowance, and I wasn't going to spend that on fast food.

Earlier this week someone wrote that obesity bothered them. Well, its a good thing that person doesn't have to deal with obesity. I wish I didn't have to, but I do, and all that comes with it, including attempting to lose it.

Being fat sucks.

Feelings.

I like you. I like you a lot. And I wish I didn't.

I find myself thinking of you a lot more since I last saw you.

I avoided the room you were in today... just went in and out. I heard you laughing and talking, but I just did not want to go there.

I like you. I like you a lot. I wish you liked me a lot, too.

I want to say we were meant for each other, but I suppose we aren't.

Fuck

This is my last post.

This was really supposed to be a private blog, or at least less inconspicuous from myspace or facebook where I can let out my feelings without offending too many people. But someone has ruined that and now I've gotten an annoying email about my blogs from a stupid bitch who thinks she understands the whole fucking world. So thank you to whoever showed her the blog, thank you for ruining this great escape for me.

I guess what can you expect from Christians, except for being told off, cuz you know, that's exactly what Christ taught.

Yet another reason to remain an Atheist. Fuck the christian world.

I thought about going back, that all my irrational manic depressive thinking may have been wrong, but it may just be the sanest thing I have ever done. All these christians are just full of shit. God damn, fuck it all. You fucking hypocrites. You fucking assholes.

Is there a way to tell everyone...

you hate them?

I hate everyone.

How it hurts that they've forgotten you.

I guess I'm just the kind of person you hang out with when you have no one else to be with.

Happy Easter

Happy fucking Easter...

I just want it to be over.

I'm worthless so what's the point in living?

No one wants me around not even my own fucking family.

I'm shit, This world is shit.

Maybe its what I want.

Last night I hung out with a bunch of guys. It was fun... but not the same as hanging out with girls.

I was supposed to hang out with someone last night but my nap went on longer than expected and I woke up at 10.30. I figured it was late. Sorry Brenda :( I was looking forward to it.

But anyway, I don't understand where all my friends went. They all still hang out, I'm just not included.

Whatever. I'm hurt. I don't want to hang out with guys all the time, but I guess they're the only ones who want me around.

Guess I'm just a huge, annoying, boring, worthless bitch who deserves to be lonely, huh?

God, I just want to get the hell out of here. Get away from the bullshit and facades. I guess no one really cared about me in the end. I just wasn't fun enough, I just wasn't supernatural enough.. I gues I'm just not what anyone wants around. I just want to delete everyone of them from myspace or facebook so I don't have to read about how much fun they're having hanging out.

Fuck my shitty life. And fuck everyone who doesn't want me around.

Except for Brenda, who wants me around.

I don't know... maybe its what I secretly want somehow. I guess its that self-fulfilling prophecy of myself I've always had... Gonna end up as a lonely crazy cat lady.

A year ago, I had close friends, now they're all gone. Alex and I rarely talk. Anna hasn't said a word to me in months. Liza and I are just not meant to be friends or something.

God, even my own family doesn't want me around.

Why haven't I killed myself yet? Seriously. What do I have to live for?

Wonderful...

The only brother I have doesn't even want to spend time with me.

Fuck my life.

FUCK MY LIFE.

10

Today was 10 months.

10.

Two more months and it'll be a year.

I still don't believe it happened.

I keep hoping to wake up from a stupid dream.

Or that he would walk in to our house.

I wish that he only faked his death as part of his new life with the witnes protection service.

That he were anywhere or anything, but dead.

Don't know what to say...

I give up.

You win.

I lose.

That's the way it always goes.

Wish I had the guts to just do it, but curiosity gives me hope.

I just hope these are the worst of times.

Where to begin...

Yes, I've been judgmental and I'll admit it right now. I won't hide from what I've said, or even apologize.

I'm sure I've made up my mind. I don't believe God exists.

I'm not a Christian, I'm not even a believer.

There are many reasons as to why I am now an atheist. Primarily, I don't see, feel, hear, etc God anywhere. Secondly, I don't understand how so many Christians who love the same God can fight and bicker so much, I don't understand how so many Christians can fall into sin, I don't understand how they can be such assholes. I don't. My understanding of the bible is that we are to become like Jesus more and more as we become closer to the Father, but I don't see that. Even in my life I didn't see that. I was there to please myself and to please people, but most importantly, myself. I always came first, so why keep pretending?

I have had thought it for a while, even before my brother passed away. I wondered where God was in my life, and then I thought maybe it was all just in my head. Eventually, I just stopped praying and stopped reading the bible, I felt the same. I still feel the same.

The last 7 or so years have been strange. I'm grateful for life lessons learned, but I also hate certain situations I was placed in. I hate that I was burned terribly by people who were supposed to be my mentors, and even more hurt by people who were my friends.

I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of garbage spilled forward. I can be happy with or without a god. I don't need to rely on prayer to get things done.

There's a lot on my mind that I'd like to say, but I'm sure it'll hurt. I'll just leave it at this. If you call yourself a Christian, and you are praying for people, and you truly believe in God, then act like God would want you to act. Its as simple as that. It really is. You cut out your "sinful" self, stop doing the stupid shit you know you shouldn't be doing, and you cut ties with the people who are holding you down. I understand we're imperfect and won't become perfect overnight, but you're not supposed to be the person before you were a Christian and especially not supposed to be someone worse than you were. Why read the bible if you won't accept its harsh truth, why believe in God if you won't truly fall in love or obey him.

Call me judgmental, because I am. Call me a hypocrite, because I was. Call me a sinner, because I guess that's what I must be. But don't say I don't care for you or your well-being, because I do. I'll love you forever, even if I don't believe in the hereafter. I'll love you forever, even if we never talk again. I'll love you forever, even if you go on to become an internationally known revivalist or just a crack-addicted hooker on the street.

I know I will always love people, and I don't need the bible to tell me I should care for people. I don't need the bible to tell me to forgive. I don't need the bible to tell me I should feed the hungry or clothe the naked or shelter the homeless. I don't need the bible to tell me to care for the orphans and widows.

And I'll cut the bullshit, there are specific people on my mind when writing this and the blog before (not everyone will read it) but some will. There are specific moments and events and situations that also moved me into this decision. I haven't always been treated right and I know I haven't always treated people right.

So, I guess that's it. I'm an atheist. There is no God, but love, love is still the greatest thing in the world.

A schism.

I have been confused lately.

There are only two paths I can take from here, and I don't know which is the truth.

The first path is Christianity and all its bullshit. Past few months, even years, I have wondered and pondered the ultimate question... Does God exist? Then all the minor questions come along... If God exists, why is there so much evil/pain/suffering? If God exists, why is life on Earth so terrible? If Christians were really Christians, why don't they act like Christ? And etc...

The second path, obviously, is Atheism. Does God exist? My current notions is no, God does not exist.

I suppose Christianity has dealt with the same crap since its beginning, mainly, stupid self-interested Christians, but there has also been many greats out there who didn't believe in just talking the talk, but walked the walk, and harder than anyone I know has ever walked the walk. Christians like Jackie Pullinger, St. Francis, Mother Theresa, and many others are the small percentage of Christians that make it seem that Christ was/is real and that serving God is the ultimate decision in life.

But then there are the other crazy assholes in Christianity that make me want to run for the hills and forget all about it. And then, there are the people around me or near me who just.... well... aren't to par with who Christ is/was...? I'm not talking about anyone specific here (I know there are few out there who are around me and are Christians, but don't think its you that I'm referring to [but then again if you think its you I am referring to then you should probably check yourself (before you mess yourself)]) but there are many out there who just don't get it, and they haven't been doing it for a month or two or even a year. A selfish Christian is the worst kind of Christian. My life as a Christian and my relationships with Christians have not been the greatest. The greatest backstabbers and liars and all around horrible people have been Christians. The people which have made the biggest irreparable dents in my heart have been Christians. They've treated me like shit, they've lied to me, and they sold their soul to the devil to go up the ladder in the Christian business.

And I know, anyone reading this will say: But they're broken people! Yes, yes, yes I know we are all broken people,I UNDERSTAND THAT!! But there is a clear difference between a humble, broken person and a downright scoundrel. And if you are really getting close to God, then your hard, despicable heart will start to change, you will let go of the fruits of the flesh for the fruits of the spirit, right? I mean, that is what the bible teaches...

And I know anyone reading this will also say: But what about you then? Yes, yes, yes what about me? Well, even I have to also ask: what about me? What happened to me... the truth is, I truly believe I have just taken one too many beatings from the Christian world. And I know its not man that we serve, but Christ... BUT when all you face is wolves in sheep's clothing, all you face is the enemy as a shining bright light, what can you expect but to think that there is no God, and that this whole time you were just placing yourself in the den of lions with no miraculous rescue.

Oh, and I also know that anyone reading this will say: But God isn't man! I know that God isn't man, but if God is God and my life is this shithole in which He has not had the kind heart or Father's heart to rescue it, to relieve some pain, to bring a miracle when I needed it, then what kind of God is He. My notion now is that he does not exist because if he did exist he would indeed be a cruel God, laughing at the poor fortune my life has taken. Granted, it may not be the worst, but there have been many pains in my life which God could have spared. Sure, ok, maybe not all of them, but what about the major ones?

Then I know many of you will say: But men have freewill and therefore evil things happen. Yes yes yes I KNOW THAT! But then why do some people get the miracles and others have to deal with what happened? Its an unfair system in an unjust world.

So then, where does that leave me and my thoughts and faith? There are many options out there for me to follow. Christianity isn't looking so great right now. There are far too many two-faced, self-centered hypocrites in it for it to be a great choice for me, but there are still many times where I want to believe God exists, but that may just be the fear of hell wanting me to hope for a great place to end up in rather than another shit hole. Maybe if I see the people around me shaping up, I'd consider it an option again, but from what I've seen people are just going to what they want and not give a shit because, after all, we are the sons and daughters of this earth with the desires of the flesh always in our hearts. We will never walk the walk, just talk the talk.

The funniest thing I've read online recently was on fmylife.com. The post, in paraphrase, said that this boy had a girl over. Things started to get hot and heavy. Soon the girl starts to please the boy orally, and in the middle asks him "Do you believe in Jesus?"

The irony of it... Christians. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Dreaming.

I had a weird dream last night.

I was hanging out with a boy I used to have feelings for. We were driving around in his truck and he was telling me how he had just gotten out of rehab for being addicted to some sort of prescription drug. We were driving around downtown in a bigger city and we drove by a cafe or bar that Phillip Seymour Hoffman owned and I yelled out "Hey its Phillip Seymour Hoffman!" So we got down to go to the cafe. And Mr. Hoffman ended up liking me and the boy I was with got jealous.

Later we went back to hi house. His siblings told me they had always wanted him to be with me. I suppose they really liked me.

Somehow later in the dream we ended up staying together and then we were vampires... Yes, I know... Vampires. I don't remember how we ended up being vampires but we were in love.

Then we went back to the cafe and for some reason we were in a riot.

I don't remember everything else.

Just a weird dream.

Those Awkward Moments...

Its been a little over nine months since my brother passed away. Few people who knew him still haven't found out so those moments when I happen to bump into them and they ask about him always make for an awkward moment.

Earlier today I was walking to my car when I saw this guy I had met over a year ago in my Art History Survey I course. He knew my brother somewhat. He asked me if he was still doing the film club and I had to tell him he died. And its just an awkward moment, especially since I don't really know the guy. I wish I didn't have to tell him the unfortunate news, since it is both awkward and brings up painful thoughts.

I don't know how many more times it will happen. Its only happened once before.

I think the best dreams that I dream are the ones where Rudy comes out. Its nothing significant, but it makes it seem like he's still here.

Wow...

I got blamed for a friend breaking up with her boyfriend. WOW!

I wanted to tell that asshole off, but what good would that do. There's no chance in me bumping into him anyway so why even tell him off. It wouldn't bring me any good, just a little bit of relieved anger.

The nerve of this asshole. I didn't even want to go on that stupid trip in the end. If it had just been me and my friend, everything would have been fine. We would have had fun and enjoyed ourselves. Instead, this idiot blames me for her breaking up with him, claiming that things would have been different if I hadn't gone. WTF? What an immature asshole.

Meh, whatever. I hope his life is shit.

Where can I speak my mind without judgement...

No where. Blogger at least doesn't reach everyone.

I thought about going to Kansas City to IHOP to help my spirituality, but in truth, my relationship with God is dead... in fact, I believe I'm an atheist only pretending to believe so I could belong. But I don't belong. My friends are nowhere to be found. Seems I was only a last resort for most, but now that they've found new friends or made reconciliations with old friends, I am given the boot.

I haven't left my house since Wednesday night... going on 4 days tomorrow, but I have to go out tomorrow, not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to go work on printmaking projects that are due Tuesday.

I wish I could just leave, at least then there'd be damn good reason as to why I'm so alone...

Oh GOD! Just 9 months to go before I'm finally done with school and able to leave this hot shithole full of assholes. I'll be counting down the days. I just have to decide where to go. I'm probably leading towards the DFW area or maybe farther... like Seattle or Minneaopolis.

So what now? Just have to battle this depression and fight off thoughts of suicide enough to make it through until December. And if life is still shit after I leave, maybe I should just off myself.