:(

I found out what she did to you, and my heart is broken for you. I don't know how you could forgive her and act like nothing ever happened. I love you friend, but you're pretty daft to so quickly forgive and forget. Maybe that is love, maybe it isn't. I don't know, but I just hope you're happy. I really do, and not in a malicious way. You deserve happiness because you're an amazing person and friend.

Just one of the guys.

I have come to realize that I am, and forever will be, just one of the guys. Its intensely and immensely depressing to know that is the only way men will see me. Men want girly girls, petite and pretty, of which I am not. My life is pathetic. My heart will always be broken. When will I learn? I'm hopeful to find the man who will see beyond this beastly appearance, and love me, but then again, my insides are just as beastly as my outward self. So what's the point? I'm tired of infatuations, but I can not stop myself.

My heart is broken.

I remember when I told Skylar I liked him years ago. He stated, matter-of-factly, that there was someone out there for me and I should believe that. I don't believe it. Then he went on told someone he felt bad for not reciprocating the feelings. Wonderful! I'm just a giant mass of pathetic nothing.

I am tired of this life that is mine. There is nothing good in it. There is nothing to be hopeful about. Why can't I just die?

Quarter-life Crisis?

I believe I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. I always seem to botch my life. I set myself up for failure. In this instance, I have not gone to my classes in a week. I've missed too many days, and I'm sure I won't be able to graduate in time, and its only been about 5 weeks of school. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Now, I just want to runaway. My friend has offered me a room in Houston, and I may just take it. I don't know when I'll finish school. But I don't think its in my foreseeable future as of now. I'm just not happy at school. I love the people, but I can't do it. I don't know why. I don't know if I'm just lazy, or if its depression, or a quarter-life crisis that is crippling me. I don't like where I'm at. Maybe I'm afraid to grow up. I don't know what it is.

What do I do now? I don't know if I'm going to school in the morning. I think I might write to my professors, or not. Maybe I just won't show up anymore. What can I tell them? I'm severely depressed and am in a manic depressive state..? Or, I hate Brownsville and don't want to come to school here.

I don't know. I'm not satisfied in life, and I'm sure that a college degree will not change that.

I fail at life.

Why aren't you here yet?

I want to build a life with you.

I want a cottage, with a garden in the back, where we will till the land and sow seeds that sustain us, that sustain our family.

I want children with you, I want wonderful children that are a part of me and part of you.

Where are you? Why aren't you here yet?

My heart

My heart is breaking all over again. It hurts. It hurts so much.

What is this? Where am I going?

I'm in a sentimental mood. I don't even know if sentimental is the right word. I'm just feeling tenderhearted, effusive... possibly lovesick?

I'm coming to a point where this six-year crush is getting on my last nerve. He confuses the hell out of me, and he no longer deserves the feelings I have given him. No more, please. I'm angry at this situation. You've been home a year, and we've hung out maybe twice. I understand you don't like me like that, but you've made me feel like my friendship is unimportant; there is always someone better to hang out with. And I'm tired of this. I'm so tired.

I want to go through a time where I am not enamored with a silly boy. Its my downfall. I just want to be free for a time. I'd like to reserve my heart for someone who is worth it, rather than some silly man.

I do desire someone, but right now is simply not the right time for me. I'm emotionally fucked up. My heart needs major repairs, and I just want to be healed. And its not just that, there are so many things I want to do with my life before I think of settling down.

There is ministry school. There is grad school. I may even want to be a missionary at some point.

I'd like to fall in love. And maybe I'm just living in a fantasy world believing that the man for me will have eyes only for me. I don't know how to describe what I think, but it may just be a silly girl's fantasy.

I'm not pretty; I'm not thin; I'm awkward; I'm dull.

Its just a silly girl's fantasy.

Celibacy for life... sure.

I should say

I'm not as depressed as I was before. Maybe I'm not depressed at all.

Keeping busy does wonders for the mind, in a way.

:)