A schism.

I have been confused lately.

There are only two paths I can take from here, and I don't know which is the truth.

The first path is Christianity and all its bullshit. Past few months, even years, I have wondered and pondered the ultimate question... Does God exist? Then all the minor questions come along... If God exists, why is there so much evil/pain/suffering? If God exists, why is life on Earth so terrible? If Christians were really Christians, why don't they act like Christ? And etc...

The second path, obviously, is Atheism. Does God exist? My current notions is no, God does not exist.

I suppose Christianity has dealt with the same crap since its beginning, mainly, stupid self-interested Christians, but there has also been many greats out there who didn't believe in just talking the talk, but walked the walk, and harder than anyone I know has ever walked the walk. Christians like Jackie Pullinger, St. Francis, Mother Theresa, and many others are the small percentage of Christians that make it seem that Christ was/is real and that serving God is the ultimate decision in life.

But then there are the other crazy assholes in Christianity that make me want to run for the hills and forget all about it. And then, there are the people around me or near me who just.... well... aren't to par with who Christ is/was...? I'm not talking about anyone specific here (I know there are few out there who are around me and are Christians, but don't think its you that I'm referring to [but then again if you think its you I am referring to then you should probably check yourself (before you mess yourself)]) but there are many out there who just don't get it, and they haven't been doing it for a month or two or even a year. A selfish Christian is the worst kind of Christian. My life as a Christian and my relationships with Christians have not been the greatest. The greatest backstabbers and liars and all around horrible people have been Christians. The people which have made the biggest irreparable dents in my heart have been Christians. They've treated me like shit, they've lied to me, and they sold their soul to the devil to go up the ladder in the Christian business.

And I know, anyone reading this will say: But they're broken people! Yes, yes, yes I know we are all broken people,I UNDERSTAND THAT!! But there is a clear difference between a humble, broken person and a downright scoundrel. And if you are really getting close to God, then your hard, despicable heart will start to change, you will let go of the fruits of the flesh for the fruits of the spirit, right? I mean, that is what the bible teaches...

And I know anyone reading this will also say: But what about you then? Yes, yes, yes what about me? Well, even I have to also ask: what about me? What happened to me... the truth is, I truly believe I have just taken one too many beatings from the Christian world. And I know its not man that we serve, but Christ... BUT when all you face is wolves in sheep's clothing, all you face is the enemy as a shining bright light, what can you expect but to think that there is no God, and that this whole time you were just placing yourself in the den of lions with no miraculous rescue.

Oh, and I also know that anyone reading this will say: But God isn't man! I know that God isn't man, but if God is God and my life is this shithole in which He has not had the kind heart or Father's heart to rescue it, to relieve some pain, to bring a miracle when I needed it, then what kind of God is He. My notion now is that he does not exist because if he did exist he would indeed be a cruel God, laughing at the poor fortune my life has taken. Granted, it may not be the worst, but there have been many pains in my life which God could have spared. Sure, ok, maybe not all of them, but what about the major ones?

Then I know many of you will say: But men have freewill and therefore evil things happen. Yes yes yes I KNOW THAT! But then why do some people get the miracles and others have to deal with what happened? Its an unfair system in an unjust world.

So then, where does that leave me and my thoughts and faith? There are many options out there for me to follow. Christianity isn't looking so great right now. There are far too many two-faced, self-centered hypocrites in it for it to be a great choice for me, but there are still many times where I want to believe God exists, but that may just be the fear of hell wanting me to hope for a great place to end up in rather than another shit hole. Maybe if I see the people around me shaping up, I'd consider it an option again, but from what I've seen people are just going to what they want and not give a shit because, after all, we are the sons and daughters of this earth with the desires of the flesh always in our hearts. We will never walk the walk, just talk the talk.

The funniest thing I've read online recently was on fmylife.com. The post, in paraphrase, said that this boy had a girl over. Things started to get hot and heavy. Soon the girl starts to please the boy orally, and in the middle asks him "Do you believe in Jesus?"

The irony of it... Christians. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Dreaming.

I had a weird dream last night.

I was hanging out with a boy I used to have feelings for. We were driving around in his truck and he was telling me how he had just gotten out of rehab for being addicted to some sort of prescription drug. We were driving around downtown in a bigger city and we drove by a cafe or bar that Phillip Seymour Hoffman owned and I yelled out "Hey its Phillip Seymour Hoffman!" So we got down to go to the cafe. And Mr. Hoffman ended up liking me and the boy I was with got jealous.

Later we went back to hi house. His siblings told me they had always wanted him to be with me. I suppose they really liked me.

Somehow later in the dream we ended up staying together and then we were vampires... Yes, I know... Vampires. I don't remember how we ended up being vampires but we were in love.

Then we went back to the cafe and for some reason we were in a riot.

I don't remember everything else.

Just a weird dream.

Those Awkward Moments...

Its been a little over nine months since my brother passed away. Few people who knew him still haven't found out so those moments when I happen to bump into them and they ask about him always make for an awkward moment.

Earlier today I was walking to my car when I saw this guy I had met over a year ago in my Art History Survey I course. He knew my brother somewhat. He asked me if he was still doing the film club and I had to tell him he died. And its just an awkward moment, especially since I don't really know the guy. I wish I didn't have to tell him the unfortunate news, since it is both awkward and brings up painful thoughts.

I don't know how many more times it will happen. Its only happened once before.

I think the best dreams that I dream are the ones where Rudy comes out. Its nothing significant, but it makes it seem like he's still here.

Wow...

I got blamed for a friend breaking up with her boyfriend. WOW!

I wanted to tell that asshole off, but what good would that do. There's no chance in me bumping into him anyway so why even tell him off. It wouldn't bring me any good, just a little bit of relieved anger.

The nerve of this asshole. I didn't even want to go on that stupid trip in the end. If it had just been me and my friend, everything would have been fine. We would have had fun and enjoyed ourselves. Instead, this idiot blames me for her breaking up with him, claiming that things would have been different if I hadn't gone. WTF? What an immature asshole.

Meh, whatever. I hope his life is shit.

Where can I speak my mind without judgement...

No where. Blogger at least doesn't reach everyone.

I thought about going to Kansas City to IHOP to help my spirituality, but in truth, my relationship with God is dead... in fact, I believe I'm an atheist only pretending to believe so I could belong. But I don't belong. My friends are nowhere to be found. Seems I was only a last resort for most, but now that they've found new friends or made reconciliations with old friends, I am given the boot.

I haven't left my house since Wednesday night... going on 4 days tomorrow, but I have to go out tomorrow, not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to go work on printmaking projects that are due Tuesday.

I wish I could just leave, at least then there'd be damn good reason as to why I'm so alone...

Oh GOD! Just 9 months to go before I'm finally done with school and able to leave this hot shithole full of assholes. I'll be counting down the days. I just have to decide where to go. I'm probably leading towards the DFW area or maybe farther... like Seattle or Minneaopolis.

So what now? Just have to battle this depression and fight off thoughts of suicide enough to make it through until December. And if life is still shit after I leave, maybe I should just off myself.