I have been confused lately.
There are only two paths I can take from here, and I don't know which is the truth.
The first path is Christianity and all its bullshit. Past few months, even years, I have wondered and pondered the ultimate question... Does God exist? Then all the minor questions come along... If God exists, why is there so much evil/pain/suffering? If God exists, why is life on Earth so terrible? If Christians were really Christians, why don't they act like Christ? And etc...
The second path, obviously, is Atheism. Does God exist? My current notions is no, God does not exist.
I suppose Christianity has dealt with the same crap since its beginning, mainly, stupid self-interested Christians, but there has also been many greats out there who didn't believe in just talking the talk, but walked the walk, and harder than anyone I know has ever walked the walk. Christians like Jackie Pullinger, St. Francis, Mother Theresa, and many others are the small percentage of Christians that make it seem that Christ was/is real and that serving God is the ultimate decision in life.
But then there are the other crazy assholes in Christianity that make me want to run for the hills and forget all about it. And then, there are the people around me or near me who just.... well... aren't to par with who Christ is/was...? I'm not talking about anyone specific here (I know there are few out there who are around me and are Christians, but don't think its you that I'm referring to [but then again if you think its you I am referring to then you should probably check yourself (before you mess yourself)]) but there are many out there who just don't get it, and they haven't been doing it for a month or two or even a year. A selfish Christian is the worst kind of Christian. My life as a Christian and my relationships with Christians have not been the greatest. The greatest backstabbers and liars and all around horrible people have been Christians. The people which have made the biggest irreparable dents in my heart have been Christians. They've treated me like shit, they've lied to me, and they sold their soul to the devil to go up the ladder in the Christian business.
And I know, anyone reading this will say: But they're broken people! Yes, yes, yes I know we are all broken people,I UNDERSTAND THAT!! But there is a clear difference between a humble, broken person and a downright scoundrel. And if you are really getting close to God, then your hard, despicable heart will start to change, you will let go of the fruits of the flesh for the fruits of the spirit, right? I mean, that is what the bible teaches...
And I know anyone reading this will also say: But what about you then? Yes, yes, yes what about me? Well, even I have to also ask: what about me? What happened to me... the truth is, I truly believe I have just taken one too many beatings from the Christian world. And I know its not man that we serve, but Christ... BUT when all you face is wolves in sheep's clothing, all you face is the enemy as a shining bright light, what can you expect but to think that there is no God, and that this whole time you were just placing yourself in the den of lions with no miraculous rescue.
Oh, and I also know that anyone reading this will say: But God isn't man! I know that God isn't man, but if God is God and my life is this shithole in which He has not had the kind heart or Father's heart to rescue it, to relieve some pain, to bring a miracle when I needed it, then what kind of God is He. My notion now is that he does not exist because if he did exist he would indeed be a cruel God, laughing at the poor fortune my life has taken. Granted, it may not be the worst, but there have been many pains in my life which God could have spared. Sure, ok, maybe not all of them, but what about the major ones?
Then I know many of you will say: But men have freewill and therefore evil things happen. Yes yes yes I KNOW THAT! But then why do some people get the miracles and others have to deal with what happened? Its an unfair system in an unjust world.
So then, where does that leave me and my thoughts and faith? There are many options out there for me to follow. Christianity isn't looking so great right now. There are far too many two-faced, self-centered hypocrites in it for it to be a great choice for me, but there are still many times where I want to believe God exists, but that may just be the fear of hell wanting me to hope for a great place to end up in rather than another shit hole. Maybe if I see the people around me shaping up, I'd consider it an option again, but from what I've seen people are just going to what they want and not give a shit because, after all, we are the sons and daughters of this earth with the desires of the flesh always in our hearts. We will never walk the walk, just talk the talk.
The funniest thing I've read online recently was on fmylife.com. The post, in paraphrase, said that this boy had a girl over. Things started to get hot and heavy. Soon the girl starts to please the boy orally, and in the middle asks him "Do you believe in Jesus?"
The irony of it... Christians. I don't know what to believe in anymore.
4 comments:
This blog made me think of something skylar said to me last night...he said that there are so many christians that have been hurt by the church and other christians, and he believes that those will be the people to really turn around and change christianity into what it's supposed to be. That they're coming back one day, and it's going to be crazy. They're gonna be able to weed out all the corruptness and lawlessness and whatnot and help direct people in truth. That them going through things and living their lives in the world again is going to be used for God's glory...
It sounded so powerful. (I'm sure he made it sound better. lol)
It's an interesting thought though....kinda scares/excites me. idk...
Yeah well Skylar is full of shit.
Adriana, I agree with you when you say that the people who have hurt you the most is "Christians." I feel exactly the same way..But what I don't understand is when you say, "Maybe if I see the people around me shaping up, I'd consider it an option again"... You can't change people's hearts. But you can change yours. Why not be the example of Christ? Why aren't you producing the fruits of the spirit? How can you sit around and judge people? Well, you can't and you shouldn't. Instead of sitting in this hole of self pity why not earnestly ask for God's help to get you out? And how can you expect God to reach you when you keep stepping away from Him? In all honestly, you are not the only one who has had a shitty life, and I really don't want to sound like an ass, but you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just trust in the Lord and let Him love you. The love that you are searching for in people should be only found in Him.
Please don't be angry with me.
Everything I said in my last comment, was for myself as well.
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