DI NO AL HALLOWEEN

I don't understand why people could hate Halloween so much! Its so fun! Its great!

This year, I'm going up to San Antonio for the Halloween weekend. I'll get to see my lovely Alex! I miss him! And I'll get to hang out with Sammy, my awesome cousin!

The Houston trip was amazing! Definitely very, very fun.

Random thoughts:

Its strange that so many people that I knew as a teenager who were Christian have changed very much. I remember when everyone very religious. I don't think it was necessarily their fault, we just believed what we were told by the authority figures. But things change, people change, and I hope/think we're all the better for those changes.

I wish I had never known that side of Christianity, but its something that is part of my history and has made me who I am now. I hated that period of my life. I absolutely abhorred it. I remember all the bullshit I was fed. I remember the bullshit emotional situations I was placed in. I thank God that its not like that in my life anymore. I thank God for truth.

Though I miss belonging to a church, I may still be scarred with all that happened then. Afraid of the abuse of authority and the loveless relationships. Afraid of never being good enough or measuring up to standards.

It wasn't all bad though. Don't get me wrong, there are many moments I cherish, and many lessons I learned. I guess I just didn't agree with some of what was taught, and the way it was handled.

I want to find a church, but I have no desire to go out and look.

I love the Wilhite meetings, but I still desire something more.

I have lovely, amazing close friends right now. And I love them and cherish them. Maybe that's all I really need.

Though I still want something more.

I don't know what it is.

Well... maybe I do know.

Future Glasses...

These are my future glasses. I purchased them earlier at Eyemaster's. I won't get them until sometime next week.

I think they're lovely.

In other news, I've purchased my photography supplies (FINALLY)! I've also purchased some theater make-up to use.

In other other news, I don't know if I'm going to make this blog private or not. I guess I'll decide later.

In a few hours, about 6, I'll be heading to Houston to a Renaissance Faire! Awesome! It should be fun. I am heading out with Anna, Erika and Desiree. Should be great, but then again, I'm extremely emotional lately so I hope I don't become a sourpuss.

Privacy

This will be the last public post.

If you want to continue reading my blog, add your e-mail addy in the comments.

Wonderful...

Just as I thought life couldn't get worse, it does.

I went to the eye doctor today, and, as it turns out, I have "Lattice Degeneration" on my left eye.

What is "Lattice Degeneration?"

"Lattice degeneration of the retina is a type of thinning of the outside edges of the retina, which occurs in 6%-8% of the general population. The lattice degeneration, so-called because the thinned retina resembles the crisscross pattern of a lattice, often contains small holes. Lattice degeneration is more common in patients with nearsightedness (myopia). This tendency to lattice degeneration occurs because myopic eyes are larger than normal eyes and, therefore, the peripheral retina is stretched more thinly. Fortunately, only about 1% of patients with lattice degeneration go on to develop a retinal detachment."

Just wonderful.

I think I have the worst luck, and so I may just be one of the 1% of people who go through retinal detachment. And if I do, and end up blind... I think I'd rather off myself than be blind in one eye.

-_-

Fat, ugly, weird, annoying, and blind.

Great.

Giving up is rarely the answer...

but I think this time it might be.

I give up on Halloween. I will never have a great Halloween.

I hate my life. I want to spontaneously combust. At least I'll go out with class... somewhat.

I think I'm going to delete this blog. Or just make it private.

AH! FUCK EVERYONE!

I can make it on my own.

Halloween and Sweeney Todd

I have been wondering what I wanted to be for Halloween this year. I really want to do something fabulous.

I thought about it a few times. I thought about being a zombie, bride of Frankenstein, even thought Snow White. What I really wanted to do was Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. But I thought it would be dumb if I didn't have a Sweeney Todd to go along with it.

Well, as it turns out, I may just have a Sweeney Todd. I asked my friend Jaime Potter if he'd want to do Sweeney Todd, and he said yes. Apparently, Sweeney Todd is one of his favorite movies.



























I had found a Lovett-esque costume on Torrid, and it is only $32.50, being half-off of $64.99. I thought about getting it, but it looks nothing like the Mrs. Lovett in the Burton film. And I really like the way she looks.

I thought about making it. I would totally be up for a challenge. I'm not that great at sewing, but taking up a huge challenge always makes you better. The hardest part though, in my opinion, would be making the corset. But I could always just make a rinky-dink one without the boning found in corsets. I'm pretty sure I could figure it out, but it woud just take up a lot of my time... which, as it happens, I have a lot of. I guess I may just be lazy.

I wish I could find better images though. I need close ups of some parts. The top seems especially difficult, but I may just go without something so sheer. I love the skirt. I may make it into a dress instead.

I think I am going to attempt to make the outfit. I need to work on Jaime's as well if he wants to do it after all. I figure we could probably find some stripey pants down town, and maybe reconfigure a button up shirt. I would just need to figure out how to sew together a vest.

I hope we can do it after all. It would be the best Halloween ever!

Brenda also wants me to do a Bellatrix Lestrange in Azkaban Prison, which should be too hard.

I think she should get a Dark Mark temporary tattoo to go with the outfit. I think her costume would be the easiest to do.

I need to buy some theater make up too.

Halloween should be fun this year. I want to do fun things. Let's all get together! :D

Microdermal Piercings

This is the exact piercing that I want. Exactly that one! I think its a sign that I should get it since its the very first picture that came up when I google-imaged "microdermal piercing."

I absolutely love the way it looks. Even on me. How do I know? Well I tried on a stick-on rhinestone that Desi had for decorating stuff and stuck it on there. It looked great! I think I might have snapped a photo with my phone.

I really want to get some new piercings in. I want to do the tragus on each of my ears next. And maybe one on my right ear on the upper cartilage. I'd want to get a tattoo soon. But that will probably wait for another year or two. As soon as I can afford the dough.

It is early.

I keep hearing ambulances, fire truck or police sirens raging outside. I don't know where they are rushing, but I hope everyone will be ok.

Death is on my mind, its always on my mind lately. Thinking of who's next to die. Its inevitable, someone dies everyday, every hour. I wonder when I'm going to die. I wonder if it will be natural causes, a freak accident, murder, or something else.

The sirens are getting closer. I wonder if its someone in my neighborhood. I wonder if its someone I know.

I have to go on living while people are dying. I suppose that is life.

I don't know if I'd rather be dead or alive. Sometimes I feel like I conquer the world, other times I just feel so defeated.

I remember seeing this little cartoon on commonties.com and I knew that feeling.

Sometimes I just want someone to be with in the middle of the night, to talk through all the crazy thoughts that run through my mind, to tell my secrets to, to just be.

I don't think it'll ever happen. And I can hope and wish, but hoping and wishing don't bring anything to fruition.

I think that maybe my life will be happier with someone, but the truth is only I can make myself happy, to live with the life I have and to love who I am.

I may never be happy.

Conversation Questions

I like this idea. So do it to it, please. I just like to get to know people. Email me or leave a comment, and I promise I'll respond to the same question you responded to. Do as many as you'd like. PLEASE!

• Tell me about something you love.
• Tell me about something you hate.
• Tell me about something you really care about.
• Tell me about someone you dislike.
• Tell me about a dream you've had.
• Tell me about a goal you have.
• Tell me about yourself.
• Tell me about your childhood.
• Tell me about something you believe in.
• Tell me about a place you've visited.
• Tell me about an accident you've seen.
• Tell me about a time when you were happy.
• Tell me about a time when you were sad.
• Tell me about a time when you were excited.
• Tell me about a time when you were frightened.
• Tell me about your favorite pastime.
• Tell me about chocolate.
• Tell me about rainy days.
• Tell me about something beautiful.
• Tell me about something ugly.
• Tell me about something delicious.
• Tell me about something pleasant.
• Tell me about something boring.
• Tell me about something with four legs.
• Tell me about something with a tail.
• Tell me about something spicy.
• Tell me about your education.
• Tell me about your work.
• Tell me about a teacher you had.
• Tell me about a boss you had.
• Tell me about the hardest thing you ever had to do.
• Tell me about a time you lied.
• Tell me about something you regret.
• Tell me about a mistake you made.
• Tell me about someone in your family.
• Tell me about your favorite book.
• Tell me about someone you envy.
• Tell me about something you've achieved.
• Tell me about the worst punishment you had when you were a child.
• Tell me about your first kiss (if it is possible).
• Tell me about someone you admire.
• Tell me about the last book you've read / movie you've watched.
• Tell me about a country or place you would like to visit and why.
• Tell me about your favourite music / song / band.
• Tell me about something you would happily do again.

It must be great

to have a life.

I'm just here, hibernating like a bear.

I need a life.

Or a reason to live.

-____-

A dream I had.

I dreamt that we were lying in bed together. You laid your head on my chest and wanted to hold my hand. I freaked out. You made me laugh by putting colored pencils in your hands. And we laid together as we held hands.

It was beautiful.

I don't know why I dream of you like this. I wish I wouldn't. Its that much harder to get over you.

-_-

Forbidden Zone

I watched a movie a few hours ago that literally induced a "WTF" within seconds of it opening. It was called the Forbidden Zone.

It's a musical from 1982 written by Matthew Bright, directed by Richard Elfman, and scored by Danny Elfman(primary reason why I saw the movie), who made a cameo in the movie as Satan.

It was a strange film. Overly theatrical, oversexed, and overly offensive... oh and tons of boobs everywhere. Would I recommend it to anyone... Possibly just people who love crazy musicals like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was a bit entertaining, but hey, I like weird movies.

The music had a 1920s jazz sound, and the imagery reminded me of Betty Boop (the music a bit too), but it also had a hint of Monty Python imagery, like all the zany cartoon work done by Terry Gilliam, I think that was his name. The storyline was a bit much, but the imagery was amazing. Oh and it was shot in black and white!!

The storyline was about a door in a house that led to the "sixth dimension" which was ruled by a midget king and a voluptous older woman, along with their topless sadist daughter. A french girl, named Frenchy, wants to visit the Forbidden Zone and gets stuck there. She is "romanced" by the king. The queen wants to take her down. Her brother then wants to rescue her (the brother is played by an older guy... in fact most of the "children" are played by adults and some women ar actually men) and he takes his grandfather who was once a yiddish wrestler. They ask this one boy to come along, Squeezeit, who's twin brother/sister (draq queen) is in the forbidden zone, but he refuses to go since he is a chicken. And so much more.

Yeah. Its a bit much.




Some thoughts that have been running through my mind lately is why do some christian men have no respect for women? I know there are some out there that do respect women, but lately I've heard nothing but rubbish about christian men. From sneaky diabolical plots, to dating/leading on multiple women, to breaking up with a girlfriend to "focus on other friends". Its ridiculous. I hate seeing my friends hurt by so called christian men. Its rubbish, and they deserve better.

Proverbs 30:7-9

7Two things have I asked of You [O Lord]; deny them not to me before I die:

8Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me,

9Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God.



I've decided that I want to live a life of simplicity. I had decided it a long time ago, but I want to rededicate myself to it.

I want to limit my eating out since I've noticed it has burned a humongous hole in my wallet. I want to limit the use of gas. I want to start out at 20 dollars a week, which is about 6 and half gallons, which in my car should be about 130-170 miles. Its not outrageous, I hope. Well, I'll test it out first and readjust accordingly. This may mean less hanging out, and less of people bumming rides off of me. I want to limit the money I spend on clothing and will cut out completely the money used on frivolous things.

As soon as I have some sort of income, I want to begin to budget my money.

This has some to do with biblical teachings, in my opinion, and with the current situation with our economy. I want to be ready if anything should happen in the future, good or bad.

Old blogs from high school.

I was curious a few days ago about whatever happened to my first online diary. It was from diaryland.com, and I honestly can not remember how I came across it.

I was going through a few entries and I just couldn't believe how utterly annoying I was. And I couldn't believe how in love I was with Alex. It was hilarious reading through it and I'm glad I've matured.

There were times though when I wrote about how much I hated my older brother. I suppose I might have had good reason to then. It was a terrible time. I can't say I didn't have a right to. I remember the fights we had. Physical ones. But I don't mind now. It happened and it happened because of bad things that consumed his life. Since high school, things had been better. We were getting closer and forgetting the worst of our youth.

I still don't understand why he's gone. I still don't understand why God didn't step in. Yes, I'm still very bitter. I don't know if I love God or if I hate God. I'm just bitter. Bitter that he's allowed so much bullshit to happen to my family and things just get worse.

Aaah!

I remember my mom told me that someone had my Rudy's phone and we using it. They downloaded games and ringtones. They didn't care.

I'm just bitter and angry. I wonder who's next. I wonder if I'm next.

I've always hated my life. I read it in my old blog. I would bitch and moan then too. But I guess life's current circumstances don't seem as petty as they once had. I wish I had known then what I know, that life could be worse. Maybe I would have enjoyed those days more. I would have enjoyed my brothers company more. Maybe he wouldn't have had to die. Maybe I would have helped him get clean.

I fucking hate drugs.

Where has (my) faith gone?

I think my mom is having money problems. There hasn't been much business coming in. I think she's worried about not being able to take care of things around here, and I know she really wants to see my nephew in Iowa.

I wish there was something I could do. I'm trying to find a job somewhere, anywhere, to help out with money but I've been unlucky.

I have a theory, but I believe it to be more fact, that God hates me and my family.

About two weeks after my brother died, my mom forgot her purse in a cart at HEB. She had $900 dollars in her wallet. Some bitch took the money.

Cesar said he was in one of his classes and some girl raised her hand to say that her mom once found a purse at HEB in a cart. She opened the wallet to see if she knew the person. She didn't, of course, but took the money, $900 dollars. I'm not sure it was her, but chances are slim that it wasn't her.

I don't see justice. I don't see God restoring things to my family. Things just get worse.

I don't have much faith anymore. I'd like to believe that God truly loves, but its hard to when its all going to shit. I know people always recount the story of Job when I tell them how I feel, but I'm not Job.