Fuck

This is my last post.

This was really supposed to be a private blog, or at least less inconspicuous from myspace or facebook where I can let out my feelings without offending too many people. But someone has ruined that and now I've gotten an annoying email about my blogs from a stupid bitch who thinks she understands the whole fucking world. So thank you to whoever showed her the blog, thank you for ruining this great escape for me.

I guess what can you expect from Christians, except for being told off, cuz you know, that's exactly what Christ taught.

Yet another reason to remain an Atheist. Fuck the christian world.

I thought about going back, that all my irrational manic depressive thinking may have been wrong, but it may just be the sanest thing I have ever done. All these christians are just full of shit. God damn, fuck it all. You fucking hypocrites. You fucking assholes.

Is there a way to tell everyone...

you hate them?

I hate everyone.

How it hurts that they've forgotten you.

I guess I'm just the kind of person you hang out with when you have no one else to be with.

Happy Easter

Happy fucking Easter...

I just want it to be over.

I'm worthless so what's the point in living?

No one wants me around not even my own fucking family.

I'm shit, This world is shit.

Maybe its what I want.

Last night I hung out with a bunch of guys. It was fun... but not the same as hanging out with girls.

I was supposed to hang out with someone last night but my nap went on longer than expected and I woke up at 10.30. I figured it was late. Sorry Brenda :( I was looking forward to it.

But anyway, I don't understand where all my friends went. They all still hang out, I'm just not included.

Whatever. I'm hurt. I don't want to hang out with guys all the time, but I guess they're the only ones who want me around.

Guess I'm just a huge, annoying, boring, worthless bitch who deserves to be lonely, huh?

God, I just want to get the hell out of here. Get away from the bullshit and facades. I guess no one really cared about me in the end. I just wasn't fun enough, I just wasn't supernatural enough.. I gues I'm just not what anyone wants around. I just want to delete everyone of them from myspace or facebook so I don't have to read about how much fun they're having hanging out.

Fuck my shitty life. And fuck everyone who doesn't want me around.

Except for Brenda, who wants me around.

I don't know... maybe its what I secretly want somehow. I guess its that self-fulfilling prophecy of myself I've always had... Gonna end up as a lonely crazy cat lady.

A year ago, I had close friends, now they're all gone. Alex and I rarely talk. Anna hasn't said a word to me in months. Liza and I are just not meant to be friends or something.

God, even my own family doesn't want me around.

Why haven't I killed myself yet? Seriously. What do I have to live for?

Wonderful...

The only brother I have doesn't even want to spend time with me.

Fuck my life.

FUCK MY LIFE.

10

Today was 10 months.

10.

Two more months and it'll be a year.

I still don't believe it happened.

I keep hoping to wake up from a stupid dream.

Or that he would walk in to our house.

I wish that he only faked his death as part of his new life with the witnes protection service.

That he were anywhere or anything, but dead.

Don't know what to say...

I give up.

You win.

I lose.

That's the way it always goes.

Wish I had the guts to just do it, but curiosity gives me hope.

I just hope these are the worst of times.

Where to begin...

Yes, I've been judgmental and I'll admit it right now. I won't hide from what I've said, or even apologize.

I'm sure I've made up my mind. I don't believe God exists.

I'm not a Christian, I'm not even a believer.

There are many reasons as to why I am now an atheist. Primarily, I don't see, feel, hear, etc God anywhere. Secondly, I don't understand how so many Christians who love the same God can fight and bicker so much, I don't understand how so many Christians can fall into sin, I don't understand how they can be such assholes. I don't. My understanding of the bible is that we are to become like Jesus more and more as we become closer to the Father, but I don't see that. Even in my life I didn't see that. I was there to please myself and to please people, but most importantly, myself. I always came first, so why keep pretending?

I have had thought it for a while, even before my brother passed away. I wondered where God was in my life, and then I thought maybe it was all just in my head. Eventually, I just stopped praying and stopped reading the bible, I felt the same. I still feel the same.

The last 7 or so years have been strange. I'm grateful for life lessons learned, but I also hate certain situations I was placed in. I hate that I was burned terribly by people who were supposed to be my mentors, and even more hurt by people who were my friends.

I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of garbage spilled forward. I can be happy with or without a god. I don't need to rely on prayer to get things done.

There's a lot on my mind that I'd like to say, but I'm sure it'll hurt. I'll just leave it at this. If you call yourself a Christian, and you are praying for people, and you truly believe in God, then act like God would want you to act. Its as simple as that. It really is. You cut out your "sinful" self, stop doing the stupid shit you know you shouldn't be doing, and you cut ties with the people who are holding you down. I understand we're imperfect and won't become perfect overnight, but you're not supposed to be the person before you were a Christian and especially not supposed to be someone worse than you were. Why read the bible if you won't accept its harsh truth, why believe in God if you won't truly fall in love or obey him.

Call me judgmental, because I am. Call me a hypocrite, because I was. Call me a sinner, because I guess that's what I must be. But don't say I don't care for you or your well-being, because I do. I'll love you forever, even if I don't believe in the hereafter. I'll love you forever, even if we never talk again. I'll love you forever, even if you go on to become an internationally known revivalist or just a crack-addicted hooker on the street.

I know I will always love people, and I don't need the bible to tell me I should care for people. I don't need the bible to tell me to forgive. I don't need the bible to tell me I should feed the hungry or clothe the naked or shelter the homeless. I don't need the bible to tell me to care for the orphans and widows.

And I'll cut the bullshit, there are specific people on my mind when writing this and the blog before (not everyone will read it) but some will. There are specific moments and events and situations that also moved me into this decision. I haven't always been treated right and I know I haven't always treated people right.

So, I guess that's it. I'm an atheist. There is no God, but love, love is still the greatest thing in the world.