Six months.

This past Monday has been six months.

Half a year already.

And I'm still wishing, hoping, and praying that you would just walk through the door like you used to.

I held that camera you gave me randomly some time ago. I liked that you always believed in my passion for photography. I miss that.

I thought about giving up photography because I feel that I'm just not all that great. But I won't because you believed in me.

---

I've completely shut myself off this past week. I just haven't felt like talking to anyone. I think the last person who wasn't family I talked to was either Liza or Alex. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to deal with anyone else's problems; I don't even want to deal with my own problems.

I don't know where I'm going, or where I will be in a year or a decade. But I'm 22. I'm getting old.

Sometimes I wish I had just had a normal teenage life. Being fat and ugly and being a right-wing conservative crazy christian just made my teenage years shit. I wonder where I would have been now.

I fucking hate my life.

---

I've decided to achieve my master's in England, or somewhere in the UK, but seriously would love London, England.

I need to get moving with photography projects.

Ropa Usada

I have a weird fascination with ropa usada. I have always wondered who they belonged to before and what their life was like. I wonder if their clothes ended up here because they died or because they were cleaning out their closet.

I want to work on a photography project incorporating ropa usada, again, except this time I want to recreate a fictional history for the particular outfit. It could be a crazy story, a fantastical story, a sad story, happy story, boring story, etc.

I need models though. I want people of all ages and sizes and looks.

If you're interested, contact me. If you really want to do this, you'll need to go downtown and dig through the clothes, find an outfit and come to me. I don't care what the outfit looks like. You and I can recreate the history behind the clothing.

I really really really really want to do this. And I want to work on it during the holiday season. Tell your friends, tell your family. Go down town together, buy used clothing.

Please, help me make this work.

I've said it many times

In the past six months, I have said that there has been way too many people dying. I don't know if its part of growing older, or its just random tragedies that have happened to be within months, even weeks of each other.

A girl I knew from my art classes at school passed away on Monday after losing the battle with cancer. Her name was Laura. We talked a few times. I thought she was very sweet, and a great artist. Its such a shame to have a lost someone so talented and amazing. I wish I had gotten to know her better. I wish she would have had more time to establish herself as an artist. I wish her family didn't have to go through what they are going through. I wish her boyfriend, who loved her deeply, wouldn't have to deal with this.

I can't comprehend the mysteries of this life, or the mysteries of God. Why some people die who are full of ambition, talent, and greatness, while others who are just wasting their time still live.

I wish I could understand. I wish I could let go of this anger and resentment. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I believe. I don't know how these tragic events can keep happening.

In my mind I'm hoping that there is some great tragedy coming up from which these people I've known are being spared from.

And even more so, I'm hoping that there is a heaven, and that God would at least be merciful to allow these people I've known entrance into heaven. I hope that the God who lives isn't the God I was told about, who punished all who didn't live like perfect saints. If there's a God, I don't think he's like what I've heard him described, and even if He is, I'll believe that He'll have mercy.

There is a reason...

There is a reason to why I don't like watching romantic movies... I always end up extremely depressed. Movie love is always so amazing, well usually I suppose.

I've seen Twilight twice... and for someone who scoffed the movie and book from the first time she heard about, its a lot. Twice! I completely underestimated its hold on me. I've always loved the vampire ideal thanks to my high school goth days. And the story is great.

I guess I've always just dreamed of an amazing true love story, especially one that will last for eternity. I'm your usual American girl in that aspect.

Where is the love of my life? I just hope he's worth waiting for... if he's out there.

Surprise Surprise

I didn't get the job.

I suck at life.

My life

is shit.

Idk why.

I feel like shit, physically and mentally. So nauseous. I wish I was nauseous due to pregnancy... but its not.

Ugh. I wanted to be optimistic but I suck right now.

Oh... I have a job interview in the morning at Barnes and Noble bookstore. I hope its not just for to be the buy back people.

Its been a while

I guess I hadn't really felt much like blogging, plus the last month has been hectic and insane. I've been out of town every weekend since the 24th... That's four weekends in a row, and this weekend I am headed to Corpus Christi to hang out with Hillary.

Its been fun... I've been to Houston, then San Antonio twice, then Houston again this past weekend, and to Corpus Christi tonight. I wish I could have gone further out though... maybe out of state. Maybe this Christmas break, if I don't find a job, I'll head out to Chicago with my uncle, or just somewhere... even if its by myself.

I suppose I just like to get away from this town. I wonder how different life would have been if Rudy and I had moved to Arlington, if things hadn't gone awry this summer. I still think about him. I still think about how doing things differently could have prevented him from coming down, leading to his demise. My mom and I could have gone up that weekend to drop off his car, but I wanted to go to a show in Dallas the week after so I didn't want to go. Its ridiculous. Its ridiculous how little decisions can totally change the direction of your life.

Now all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to think, just sleep.

Is this history?

Well of course this is history, every passing day is history. But we are now part of United States presidential history. In a few months, America will have its first Black (really interracial) president.

Should be interesting. Though I voted for McCain, I don't think things will be that bad with Obama. I think I could have gone either way. I was undecided until I went to the polling place and decided on McCain, primarily because McCain and Palin are wise with money.

Well... here's to a history being made!

I hope all ends well.

DI NO AL HALLOWEEN

I don't understand why people could hate Halloween so much! Its so fun! Its great!

This year, I'm going up to San Antonio for the Halloween weekend. I'll get to see my lovely Alex! I miss him! And I'll get to hang out with Sammy, my awesome cousin!

The Houston trip was amazing! Definitely very, very fun.

Random thoughts:

Its strange that so many people that I knew as a teenager who were Christian have changed very much. I remember when everyone very religious. I don't think it was necessarily their fault, we just believed what we were told by the authority figures. But things change, people change, and I hope/think we're all the better for those changes.

I wish I had never known that side of Christianity, but its something that is part of my history and has made me who I am now. I hated that period of my life. I absolutely abhorred it. I remember all the bullshit I was fed. I remember the bullshit emotional situations I was placed in. I thank God that its not like that in my life anymore. I thank God for truth.

Though I miss belonging to a church, I may still be scarred with all that happened then. Afraid of the abuse of authority and the loveless relationships. Afraid of never being good enough or measuring up to standards.

It wasn't all bad though. Don't get me wrong, there are many moments I cherish, and many lessons I learned. I guess I just didn't agree with some of what was taught, and the way it was handled.

I want to find a church, but I have no desire to go out and look.

I love the Wilhite meetings, but I still desire something more.

I have lovely, amazing close friends right now. And I love them and cherish them. Maybe that's all I really need.

Though I still want something more.

I don't know what it is.

Well... maybe I do know.

Future Glasses...

These are my future glasses. I purchased them earlier at Eyemaster's. I won't get them until sometime next week.

I think they're lovely.

In other news, I've purchased my photography supplies (FINALLY)! I've also purchased some theater make-up to use.

In other other news, I don't know if I'm going to make this blog private or not. I guess I'll decide later.

In a few hours, about 6, I'll be heading to Houston to a Renaissance Faire! Awesome! It should be fun. I am heading out with Anna, Erika and Desiree. Should be great, but then again, I'm extremely emotional lately so I hope I don't become a sourpuss.

Privacy

This will be the last public post.

If you want to continue reading my blog, add your e-mail addy in the comments.

Wonderful...

Just as I thought life couldn't get worse, it does.

I went to the eye doctor today, and, as it turns out, I have "Lattice Degeneration" on my left eye.

What is "Lattice Degeneration?"

"Lattice degeneration of the retina is a type of thinning of the outside edges of the retina, which occurs in 6%-8% of the general population. The lattice degeneration, so-called because the thinned retina resembles the crisscross pattern of a lattice, often contains small holes. Lattice degeneration is more common in patients with nearsightedness (myopia). This tendency to lattice degeneration occurs because myopic eyes are larger than normal eyes and, therefore, the peripheral retina is stretched more thinly. Fortunately, only about 1% of patients with lattice degeneration go on to develop a retinal detachment."

Just wonderful.

I think I have the worst luck, and so I may just be one of the 1% of people who go through retinal detachment. And if I do, and end up blind... I think I'd rather off myself than be blind in one eye.

-_-

Fat, ugly, weird, annoying, and blind.

Great.

Giving up is rarely the answer...

but I think this time it might be.

I give up on Halloween. I will never have a great Halloween.

I hate my life. I want to spontaneously combust. At least I'll go out with class... somewhat.

I think I'm going to delete this blog. Or just make it private.

AH! FUCK EVERYONE!

I can make it on my own.

Halloween and Sweeney Todd

I have been wondering what I wanted to be for Halloween this year. I really want to do something fabulous.

I thought about it a few times. I thought about being a zombie, bride of Frankenstein, even thought Snow White. What I really wanted to do was Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. But I thought it would be dumb if I didn't have a Sweeney Todd to go along with it.

Well, as it turns out, I may just have a Sweeney Todd. I asked my friend Jaime Potter if he'd want to do Sweeney Todd, and he said yes. Apparently, Sweeney Todd is one of his favorite movies.



























I had found a Lovett-esque costume on Torrid, and it is only $32.50, being half-off of $64.99. I thought about getting it, but it looks nothing like the Mrs. Lovett in the Burton film. And I really like the way she looks.

I thought about making it. I would totally be up for a challenge. I'm not that great at sewing, but taking up a huge challenge always makes you better. The hardest part though, in my opinion, would be making the corset. But I could always just make a rinky-dink one without the boning found in corsets. I'm pretty sure I could figure it out, but it woud just take up a lot of my time... which, as it happens, I have a lot of. I guess I may just be lazy.

I wish I could find better images though. I need close ups of some parts. The top seems especially difficult, but I may just go without something so sheer. I love the skirt. I may make it into a dress instead.

I think I am going to attempt to make the outfit. I need to work on Jaime's as well if he wants to do it after all. I figure we could probably find some stripey pants down town, and maybe reconfigure a button up shirt. I would just need to figure out how to sew together a vest.

I hope we can do it after all. It would be the best Halloween ever!

Brenda also wants me to do a Bellatrix Lestrange in Azkaban Prison, which should be too hard.

I think she should get a Dark Mark temporary tattoo to go with the outfit. I think her costume would be the easiest to do.

I need to buy some theater make up too.

Halloween should be fun this year. I want to do fun things. Let's all get together! :D

Microdermal Piercings

This is the exact piercing that I want. Exactly that one! I think its a sign that I should get it since its the very first picture that came up when I google-imaged "microdermal piercing."

I absolutely love the way it looks. Even on me. How do I know? Well I tried on a stick-on rhinestone that Desi had for decorating stuff and stuck it on there. It looked great! I think I might have snapped a photo with my phone.

I really want to get some new piercings in. I want to do the tragus on each of my ears next. And maybe one on my right ear on the upper cartilage. I'd want to get a tattoo soon. But that will probably wait for another year or two. As soon as I can afford the dough.

It is early.

I keep hearing ambulances, fire truck or police sirens raging outside. I don't know where they are rushing, but I hope everyone will be ok.

Death is on my mind, its always on my mind lately. Thinking of who's next to die. Its inevitable, someone dies everyday, every hour. I wonder when I'm going to die. I wonder if it will be natural causes, a freak accident, murder, or something else.

The sirens are getting closer. I wonder if its someone in my neighborhood. I wonder if its someone I know.

I have to go on living while people are dying. I suppose that is life.

I don't know if I'd rather be dead or alive. Sometimes I feel like I conquer the world, other times I just feel so defeated.

I remember seeing this little cartoon on commonties.com and I knew that feeling.

Sometimes I just want someone to be with in the middle of the night, to talk through all the crazy thoughts that run through my mind, to tell my secrets to, to just be.

I don't think it'll ever happen. And I can hope and wish, but hoping and wishing don't bring anything to fruition.

I think that maybe my life will be happier with someone, but the truth is only I can make myself happy, to live with the life I have and to love who I am.

I may never be happy.

Conversation Questions

I like this idea. So do it to it, please. I just like to get to know people. Email me or leave a comment, and I promise I'll respond to the same question you responded to. Do as many as you'd like. PLEASE!

• Tell me about something you love.
• Tell me about something you hate.
• Tell me about something you really care about.
• Tell me about someone you dislike.
• Tell me about a dream you've had.
• Tell me about a goal you have.
• Tell me about yourself.
• Tell me about your childhood.
• Tell me about something you believe in.
• Tell me about a place you've visited.
• Tell me about an accident you've seen.
• Tell me about a time when you were happy.
• Tell me about a time when you were sad.
• Tell me about a time when you were excited.
• Tell me about a time when you were frightened.
• Tell me about your favorite pastime.
• Tell me about chocolate.
• Tell me about rainy days.
• Tell me about something beautiful.
• Tell me about something ugly.
• Tell me about something delicious.
• Tell me about something pleasant.
• Tell me about something boring.
• Tell me about something with four legs.
• Tell me about something with a tail.
• Tell me about something spicy.
• Tell me about your education.
• Tell me about your work.
• Tell me about a teacher you had.
• Tell me about a boss you had.
• Tell me about the hardest thing you ever had to do.
• Tell me about a time you lied.
• Tell me about something you regret.
• Tell me about a mistake you made.
• Tell me about someone in your family.
• Tell me about your favorite book.
• Tell me about someone you envy.
• Tell me about something you've achieved.
• Tell me about the worst punishment you had when you were a child.
• Tell me about your first kiss (if it is possible).
• Tell me about someone you admire.
• Tell me about the last book you've read / movie you've watched.
• Tell me about a country or place you would like to visit and why.
• Tell me about your favourite music / song / band.
• Tell me about something you would happily do again.

It must be great

to have a life.

I'm just here, hibernating like a bear.

I need a life.

Or a reason to live.

-____-

A dream I had.

I dreamt that we were lying in bed together. You laid your head on my chest and wanted to hold my hand. I freaked out. You made me laugh by putting colored pencils in your hands. And we laid together as we held hands.

It was beautiful.

I don't know why I dream of you like this. I wish I wouldn't. Its that much harder to get over you.

-_-

Forbidden Zone

I watched a movie a few hours ago that literally induced a "WTF" within seconds of it opening. It was called the Forbidden Zone.

It's a musical from 1982 written by Matthew Bright, directed by Richard Elfman, and scored by Danny Elfman(primary reason why I saw the movie), who made a cameo in the movie as Satan.

It was a strange film. Overly theatrical, oversexed, and overly offensive... oh and tons of boobs everywhere. Would I recommend it to anyone... Possibly just people who love crazy musicals like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was a bit entertaining, but hey, I like weird movies.

The music had a 1920s jazz sound, and the imagery reminded me of Betty Boop (the music a bit too), but it also had a hint of Monty Python imagery, like all the zany cartoon work done by Terry Gilliam, I think that was his name. The storyline was a bit much, but the imagery was amazing. Oh and it was shot in black and white!!

The storyline was about a door in a house that led to the "sixth dimension" which was ruled by a midget king and a voluptous older woman, along with their topless sadist daughter. A french girl, named Frenchy, wants to visit the Forbidden Zone and gets stuck there. She is "romanced" by the king. The queen wants to take her down. Her brother then wants to rescue her (the brother is played by an older guy... in fact most of the "children" are played by adults and some women ar actually men) and he takes his grandfather who was once a yiddish wrestler. They ask this one boy to come along, Squeezeit, who's twin brother/sister (draq queen) is in the forbidden zone, but he refuses to go since he is a chicken. And so much more.

Yeah. Its a bit much.




Some thoughts that have been running through my mind lately is why do some christian men have no respect for women? I know there are some out there that do respect women, but lately I've heard nothing but rubbish about christian men. From sneaky diabolical plots, to dating/leading on multiple women, to breaking up with a girlfriend to "focus on other friends". Its ridiculous. I hate seeing my friends hurt by so called christian men. Its rubbish, and they deserve better.

Proverbs 30:7-9

7Two things have I asked of You [O Lord]; deny them not to me before I die:

8Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me,

9Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God.



I've decided that I want to live a life of simplicity. I had decided it a long time ago, but I want to rededicate myself to it.

I want to limit my eating out since I've noticed it has burned a humongous hole in my wallet. I want to limit the use of gas. I want to start out at 20 dollars a week, which is about 6 and half gallons, which in my car should be about 130-170 miles. Its not outrageous, I hope. Well, I'll test it out first and readjust accordingly. This may mean less hanging out, and less of people bumming rides off of me. I want to limit the money I spend on clothing and will cut out completely the money used on frivolous things.

As soon as I have some sort of income, I want to begin to budget my money.

This has some to do with biblical teachings, in my opinion, and with the current situation with our economy. I want to be ready if anything should happen in the future, good or bad.

Old blogs from high school.

I was curious a few days ago about whatever happened to my first online diary. It was from diaryland.com, and I honestly can not remember how I came across it.

I was going through a few entries and I just couldn't believe how utterly annoying I was. And I couldn't believe how in love I was with Alex. It was hilarious reading through it and I'm glad I've matured.

There were times though when I wrote about how much I hated my older brother. I suppose I might have had good reason to then. It was a terrible time. I can't say I didn't have a right to. I remember the fights we had. Physical ones. But I don't mind now. It happened and it happened because of bad things that consumed his life. Since high school, things had been better. We were getting closer and forgetting the worst of our youth.

I still don't understand why he's gone. I still don't understand why God didn't step in. Yes, I'm still very bitter. I don't know if I love God or if I hate God. I'm just bitter. Bitter that he's allowed so much bullshit to happen to my family and things just get worse.

Aaah!

I remember my mom told me that someone had my Rudy's phone and we using it. They downloaded games and ringtones. They didn't care.

I'm just bitter and angry. I wonder who's next. I wonder if I'm next.

I've always hated my life. I read it in my old blog. I would bitch and moan then too. But I guess life's current circumstances don't seem as petty as they once had. I wish I had known then what I know, that life could be worse. Maybe I would have enjoyed those days more. I would have enjoyed my brothers company more. Maybe he wouldn't have had to die. Maybe I would have helped him get clean.

I fucking hate drugs.

Where has (my) faith gone?

I think my mom is having money problems. There hasn't been much business coming in. I think she's worried about not being able to take care of things around here, and I know she really wants to see my nephew in Iowa.

I wish there was something I could do. I'm trying to find a job somewhere, anywhere, to help out with money but I've been unlucky.

I have a theory, but I believe it to be more fact, that God hates me and my family.

About two weeks after my brother died, my mom forgot her purse in a cart at HEB. She had $900 dollars in her wallet. Some bitch took the money.

Cesar said he was in one of his classes and some girl raised her hand to say that her mom once found a purse at HEB in a cart. She opened the wallet to see if she knew the person. She didn't, of course, but took the money, $900 dollars. I'm not sure it was her, but chances are slim that it wasn't her.

I don't see justice. I don't see God restoring things to my family. Things just get worse.

I don't have much faith anymore. I'd like to believe that God truly loves, but its hard to when its all going to shit. I know people always recount the story of Job when I tell them how I feel, but I'm not Job.

I want to frolick.

Sometimes I lay awake in bed in the middle of night and I wonder when I'm going to die. I wonder if I'm going to die tomorrow or live to a good old age. I wonder how I'm going to die. Its strange. I assume its normal.

I want to frolick sometimes. I want to roll down green hills. Its sad that Brownsville is so hot and humid, no hills, no green green hills, no tall, wide trees. I would love to live in a city that has nice scenery. It'd be great. I think I'd be happy.

I want to get my traguses pierced. When I have 60 dollars I will do it.

I miss him a lot. I don't think he misses me though. Jerk. Ah, I guess I wouldn't miss anyone if I moved to a bigger city, or anywhere that isn't Brownsville.

I heard someone else is coming back though. That'd be strange. That person has changed tremendously. I miss their old personality, their old ways, their old familiarity.

My friends mom is in the hospital. She has a mass in her abdomen, or something like that. She's getting surgery in the morning. I hope she'll be fine. A lot of people don't seem to be making it out of hospitals lately.

I wouldn't mind being a housewife.

I wouldn't mind being a housewife.

Or rather, I wouldn't mind not having a job but living off of my artwork. That'd be grand. I think that is every artist's dream.

So I wouldn't mind being a houswife but still having the time to work on my art and photography. It'd be amazing.

Life has become so strange lately. I do nothing all day. I don't work (though I wish I did have a source of income). I have school once a week. I am a bum.

Everyone around me is having a baby. I want a baby too.

Mindless tapping.

I'm feeling so under the weather. I think the sudden transformation from cool and wet to hot and wet has affected me in a terrible way.

I feel sick. I have a fever, my body aches, I can barely move and it has affected my digestive tract. Or rather my digestive tract was dysfunctional before the fever and the aches. I'm not sure what it is.

I'm listening to Calibretto 13. Calibretto is good, Harley Poe is good (a tad bit insane), but nothing could ever replace Calibretto 13. There's just something amazing about them. I love Joe's tiny, colorful voice. I love his acoustic strumming, the occasional harmonica and good hearted lyrics. They're just amazing.

On another note, Anathallo's hymn song collection are quite astounding and simple. The way I like it. Not too pretentious, not too poppy, just simple heartfelt hymns. I am a sucker for a good old fashioned hymn as well.

I applied at Michaels earlier. I wouldn't mind working there. They should hire at least ONE person who knows their stuff when it comes to arts and crafts.

I need to break my creativity block. I can't think of anything to paint or good photograph projects. I'm so blah right now. Just blah.

I want to fly away. That'd be phenomenal.

I was talking to Desiree earlier and telling her how I'd like to go downtown with friends, have a good potluck and invite anyone around to come join. Whether they're prostitutes, trannies, addicts, hobos, drunks, or the random walkerby. No evangelism, no condemnation, just love, food and Christ. It'd be great.

I should probably go to bed and hope to be rid of this bug by the morning.

Thoughts.

I miss my high school/early college years. I had an interesting group of friends. But I suppose I changed, or they changed, because I rarely see them.

I feel cast off into a different isle. I am talking about the people from an old church I used to attend. Its not that we hate each other, but I suppose when you stop attending all the same church functions, you just stop seeing each other.

I'm not alone, by no means am I alone. I have a great group of friends now, and quite a broad selection of people as well. I enjoy their company but I still miss those old friends. I see them once in a while, but its not the same. I suppose it was just a different time.

I think I've been stuck in a quarter life crisis. Idiotic, I know. I remember hearing a guy talking about it when I was only 18 and he was around 23, maybe 24. And I thought it was ridiculous then. But Now that I am here, I don't find it to be so ridiculous.

My life has had so many drastic changes occurring rapidly without my consent. If it were up to me, my life would not have changed so drastically. I would change just one thing. Just one thing. Or I would change the events leading up to that one tragedy. There was so much that could have prevented it. But I suppose its useless dwelling on that now.

It still hurts. I've teared many times just today. The sting of death is strong. I just hope that there is a heaven, and I just hope that he is happy there.

He's been in my dreams lately. I don't remember my dreams often, but there have been a few that have just been strange. I love being in those dreams. Where he is still here. And nothing has changed. Its pleasant. Its sweet. Its nice.

You never know just how much you'd miss someone until they are gone. You never know how much you regret the awful, hurtful words you've spoken to someone until you can't take them back.

Death. Its a strange thing.

Life. Its an even stranger thing.