Old blogs from high school.

I was curious a few days ago about whatever happened to my first online diary. It was from diaryland.com, and I honestly can not remember how I came across it.

I was going through a few entries and I just couldn't believe how utterly annoying I was. And I couldn't believe how in love I was with Alex. It was hilarious reading through it and I'm glad I've matured.

There were times though when I wrote about how much I hated my older brother. I suppose I might have had good reason to then. It was a terrible time. I can't say I didn't have a right to. I remember the fights we had. Physical ones. But I don't mind now. It happened and it happened because of bad things that consumed his life. Since high school, things had been better. We were getting closer and forgetting the worst of our youth.

I still don't understand why he's gone. I still don't understand why God didn't step in. Yes, I'm still very bitter. I don't know if I love God or if I hate God. I'm just bitter. Bitter that he's allowed so much bullshit to happen to my family and things just get worse.

Aaah!

I remember my mom told me that someone had my Rudy's phone and we using it. They downloaded games and ringtones. They didn't care.

I'm just bitter and angry. I wonder who's next. I wonder if I'm next.

I've always hated my life. I read it in my old blog. I would bitch and moan then too. But I guess life's current circumstances don't seem as petty as they once had. I wish I had known then what I know, that life could be worse. Maybe I would have enjoyed those days more. I would have enjoyed my brothers company more. Maybe he wouldn't have had to die. Maybe I would have helped him get clean.

I fucking hate drugs.